With A Smirk, A Boner, and an Open Mind, Sex Clubs & Parties Gave Me the Most Memorable Nights of My Life

“The main thing you have to understand, accept and respect is that someone will likely tell you ‘no.’ And that’s ok. Move on, someone else will say ‘yes.’” I don’t know why I’m hesitant to admit that attending a sex party was one of the most memorable nights of my life…but it was.

In order to have this conversation, we have to set a few house rules. Let’s start by committing to being honest with ourselves: honest about what we’re interested in, what we’re curious about, and where our hard stops are. I know this should be automatic but, there’s a lot of taboo around sex and this topic specifically, so it’s helpful to read/say that out loud and shake yourself out of your knee-jerk reactions.

My experiences with sex clubs in New York always came at the urging of close friends, near the tail ends of drunken nights we weren’t ready to kiss goodbye. The first club, The Cock, is a New York staple. And in terms of experience, it’s probably not dissimilar from any other dive bar you’ve been to. Beyond the prominent warning signs cautioning patrons against pickpockets, there’s a bar, an open dance area, sparse seating and a free-for-all back room teeming with unidentifiable hands, mouths, cakes and…well, cocks. Admittedly, it’s a lot and, had it not been for my friends and the pseudo quarter-life crisis of turning 26, we might not even be talking about it right now.

Once you get into the venue, it takes a beat to get your bearings, especially if you’ve never been in a public, group sex environment before; but once you’re there and committed to the idea in some capacity (spectator or on the court), the whole experience changes. Shortly after walking in my first time, I was greeted -- not with a drink or flirty looks but, with a blow job.

Here is the portion of the story where we have to acknowledge that this wasn’t the most sensible sex-positive practice. You’re absolutely deserving of the butt sex of your wildest dreams, but I want you to chase that responsibly.

If you’re in or visiting New York, there’s The Cock (two of them), Pieces, Paddles and The Eagle, which is more of a leather/fetish situation that just tends to get grope-y. In exploring those, the people I met were as interesting as my sexual experiences there. And by interesting, I mean unexpectedly comfortable and just like me. You’ll find varying levels of perceived desirability, folks with regular-ass jobs, and more -- all looking to get a nut.

Being familiar with a pretty niche flavor of New York’s underground scene, my interest in Private Party, the safe-sex event I swear by (and highly recommend), came from two specific things: actively poly-dating and an episode of How To Get Away With Murder titled “It’s Called The Octopus.” In the episode, an invite-only party called Utopia Circle introduced me to the idea of intimate, super-luxe sex parties for a specific type of guest. (If you haven’t seen that episode yet, get into it.)

Imagine a room where there are more people you find attractive than not, and the likelihood that you will engage in some form of sex with any number of them is practically guaranteed. Private Party was like that, but in a way that was surprising because I learned that the flirty, get-to-know-you chats between guests weren’t drama played up for tv. Having those conversations was actually effective social *ahem* lubricant for all of us experiencing it for the first time.

The primary rules were to say “no” respectfully; receive a “no” gracefully; and like, no porno screaming. It’s a drug-free party, but liquor and snacks were provided, condoms and lube were plentiful and tastefully accessible, and most importantly, both a shower and mouthwash were available for communal use of their intended purposes.

While your experiences will invariably be different, I think an important appreciation I gained by going to public sex events, even passively, was becoming more critical of what intimacy is and seeing healthier expressions of what it can be. I sometimes think about the time at Private Party I got to have a conversation with a handsome, married Italian couple about what aspects of intimacy we place value on -- sex vs. literally everything else -- and how there’s nothing stopping you from redefining what that looks like for you and your partner. It was a lovely and thoughtful discussion. And then, of course, we gave each other head.

Looking back on it now, I had such an incredible time that night and it was all because the host was intentional about creating a low pressure environment that I felt comfortable enough to explore. I brought a boner and an open mind. And, without being dramatic, it changed my life. There’s not much else to say other than a lot of fun (AND GROWTH) can be had if you get out of your own way.

Also, if you unexpectedly run into someone you know and fuck them, don’t be weird about it.

 

Our team of volunteers works to lift--and pay--our QTPoC contributors. Every dollar donated up will be matched by one generous supporter until we reach our monthly goal. You can help us build by visiting our funding page. We do this for community, not for clicks.